My Broken Hallelujah

“I want you to begin when you got diagnosed and talk about what God has done through you and how He has shown Himself mighty to you as you’ve walked this out with a husband and baby”

It’s been something I’ve been meaning to talk about but the introspection it takes to get here is daunting and I tend to avoid it at all costs… but honestly this is why I started the blog, to cathartically get it out there in hopes that maybe I’d speak to someone’s heart, while getting the heavy stuff off my own.

I have this inborn problem of switching to “Stepford Mode.” If you haven’t seen the Stepford Wives movie- do it, it’s cute and encompasses how I was raised and how I deal with problems. “Everything is fine” is my life motto. When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma my “Stepford Mode” switched into overdrive.

Everything was totally fine, and I’m actually partially thankful I have this error, because I tend to look on the bright side and I try to find the good in bad. See, I just did it. Anyway, cancer sucks and I pretended like I didn’t have it, still worked, still smiled and laughed through the pain and sickness. All the while I was straying further from Christ. First, I leaned in and dug deep wells and sought the Lords strength. After a while though I got bitter and angry and I didn’t even realize it.

I figured out I was sad months into a little bout of depression, only realizing it after weeks of staying in the house in my stretch pants, avoiding calls and friends… and God. I realized I was angry with God not in my head but rather in the worse place: my heart. I fought through this for a bit and tried my best to turn off “Stepford Mode” and to encounter the pain and reality of my cancer but it’s so dang hard for me to do that! Then I was told I relapsed in October of 2017, which was very serious and quite life threatening. This spun me around in circles, and Turned the life I knew and had been working towards for 10 years UPSIDE DOWN.

Since then, I continue to “fake it until I make it,” forcing myself to put in time and leg-work with my first true love, my king, my savior. Francis Chan says that we will not always be on a spiritual high and there will be valleys between the mountains but during those times it’s important to “fake it until you make it” putting in the action and waiting for your heart to change. Discipline isn’t doing what you want, when you want. Rather, it’s doing what you don’t want to do, when you don’t want to do it. Sometimes we have to go against our flesh and get down on our knees.
Doing this blog has helped me force myself to get it down on paper. I struggle deeply with fear of cancers return, death, loss, pain and recurrence. Sometimes this is the devil, sometimes this is my lack of dependence on Christ and his powerful peace.

Here I go again with my positivity problem (and I love it)…walking though this season has been a weird blessing. Encountering your own mortality is a powerful thing. We are all going to die one way or another and good can come through death and disease. I challenge you to find it. In the worst of times, find the hero, the sugar coating, the silver lining. Positive thinking is powerful and God is in the midst of pain. So for now, I’ll be raising my empty hands with my broken hallelujah. .

Puritan prayer from The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,

Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,

where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;

hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox

that the way down is the way up,

that to be low is to be high,

that the broken heart is the healed heart,

that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,

that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,

that to have nothing is to possess all,

that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,

that to give is to receive,

that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,

and the deeper the wells the brighter

Thy stars shine;

Let me find Thy light in my darkness,

Thy life in my death,

Thy joy in my sorrow,

Thy grace in my sin,

Thy riches in my poverty

Thy glory in my valley.


//Don’t forget to be awesome//

Abby

7 Replies to “My Broken Hallelujah”

  1. Shannon Garms says: Reply

    Sweet Abby, this is a stunning and powerful testimony and such a blessing to my 💕 and to my faith!!!! I’m so thankful to have come to know you through Insta and to have the joy of getting to learn of your story and the blessing of praying for you!!!!
    God bless you for sharing your journey!!!!! Many blessings and much prayer, Shannon

    1. Oh Shannon! Thank you so much that just makes my heart so happy! I am so happy to have found you too!

    2. I so feel the same way! Thank you so much Shannon!!

  2. I encourage folks not to ask God “why?” when something bad happens. Why doesn’t matter. Ask “what?” Try to determine what God wants you to learn or do because of the situation.

    1. how wonderful. using your story for HIS glory 🙂

  3. Rebecca Sink says: Reply

    Beautiful testimony, thanks for sharing ❤️

    1. Aw thank you pretty girl, it means so much coming from you.

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